My Marriage

Ok I've always knew deep down that my marriage was not good, I was not happy. I put on a happy face for everyone, never told anyone the real story. Well about a week ago, me & my husband got in a fight, he wanted to buy new glasses, our credit card wouldn't work, so yeah he couldn't get it. We got in the car, started yelling at me about how I need to "understand" he needs them. Hello I told you to get them, not 100% my fault the credit card didn't work, I guess I was supposed to be jumping up and down all happy when I heard the price. Well in the car I told him he's not allowed to talk to me like that & I'm not going to listen to him bash me, yes me crying doing this cause one...he was mean.. Two....I'm pregnant. Anyway it gets worse when we get home, he tries ordering me around, I tell him no, walk away. He starts throwing stuff, screaming at me. Gets in our van, squeels out, going who knows. I call my mom during the time he's gone, trying to calm down. He comes back he had sent a text that didn't notify me. Pretty saying I'm mean to him, I don't treat him like a human being, Just treat him like Sh** all the time. At the very end, it said "I'm sorry for yelling"...after all the other crap he just wrote. Anyway he comes home all pissy still, starting yelling at me again. Saying "F*** You" "I'm not going to work it's all  your fault" all that crap, then he got really pissed cause I wasn't going to give into him, say oh yes I was so wrong like he wanted, nope did that for 4 years, not doing it anymore. So he kicked a 24 pack of pop towards me, almost hit our 15 month old. Of course I got very mad, he almost hit my baby! He immediately said no I didn't. Went into shut down mode, realized that wasn't getting him anywhere. So he began to tell our 4 year old, mommy hates daddy and you are going back to Utah (we are currently in ND). Telling me oh thanks for the 4.5 years, can't even tell me goodbye cause you are wanting a divorce. Him saying all of this. Of course I'm not going to be all bye honey...after that. I was ignoring him. So he finally left for work, which I was relieved actually.

That was seriously my final straw, we have been in ND since January and we have had so many fights cause he gets pissed off so easily over stupid crap, it always resorts to him being very mean and refusing to appologize. I wrote him a letter telling him what I need from him to make this marriage work, that I do love him, that I do not want a divorce, but I am not afraid to do that if things do not change. Well he took my letter as BS and I was just being mean and picking on him, and all the nice stuff I said was a lie. Everytime we talk about it, he says I'm not perfect (I stated this in the letter) and you want me to be. Nobody is perfect I'm well aware of this, I don't want him to be perfect, I want him to change 4 major points I made...which are....less time on the computer (he will spend his whole day on the computer playing games)....being more patient with our oldest daughter (he gets very pissy with her over nothing)...to help me around the house (I do literally everything in this house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, bills, everything, I need his help, even the smallest amount of help will do)...and I need some control in our relationship, not just go along with what he wants. I don't think thats asking him for perfection.

He also likes turning it around, saying I need to do all that too. I know there are thing I probably need to change but he also doesn't realize or remember how much I have changed, when we met, I never cooked dinner, cleaned the house, did anything like that. I do want him to tell me things I do that bother him, but not when we are talking about him and not in an aggressive manner.

Last night, he was leaving for work, I tried tell him bye and wish him good days at work, well he looked at me asked me why I'm standing there, cause I won't kiss him. So I got irritated, walked away, and he left. I got texts later on from him saying why haven't you left me yet, you always have problems with me, so when I come home Wednesday I expect an answer. I called him and told him, I already told you why I am still here (which I'm barely holding on by a thread), I explained to you things I need to change. He still went on about how he needs an answer by Wednesday, finally he said I'm sorry but I have to go, I can't talk while driving the truck....I said ok....he said I knew you wouldn't care...Uh....ok....then he was texting me in the middle of the night being all lovey, he does this, is really nice sometimes in texts, not nice at home or on the phone. It's his cycle.

I wish I could go back in time & slap myself when I went to go get married. I knew him all of a month, thats not long enough for anything, especially when you are 18. Since the beginning, he has been controlling, bossing me around, treating me like his child. I didn't really care in the beginning, cause I thought I was in love. He complains about people doing something and then he does it. He was complaining about his sister one night, how she asked her husband to move one of their babies the other direction so she didn't hit her head (they have twin girls). He was all like, geeze she was sitting right there, she should of done it. I then reminded him of all the times, he made me get up and do something because he didn't want to. He was like I know but...and went on. To him I have to do everything his way or else he gets mad, he thinks his way is always right. And he needs to explain the smallest of all tasks to me in detail, like I'm an idiot. He does this even to the way I eat, because the way I eat is annoying, I need to do it like him. He has all these high dreams, a really expensive house, an expenisve car, his own world wide business, expensive trips, all that. But he hasn't worked towards it a day in his life. Since we've been married the longest he's stayed with a job is 7 months, that was a couple jobs ago. He started this job in January and he tried quitting in April, his dispatchers wouldn't let him. Because he always says screw it and quits when he doesn't get promoted immediately, someone makes him mad, he wants to get them before they get him. He doesn't stick with anything either, he dropped out of college twice, he failed out of police academy twice because he wouldn't get healthy and lose weight, so he couldn't do that running. I really want to go to college, he gets pissed off whenever I mention it because he doesn't want me to be a college graduate and him a truck driver. Well that's not very fair to me, and for 4 years I decided I would never go because he didn't want me to.

As I am sitting here writing this, I do wonder why I stayed with him for so long, being treated that way. Letting him do whatever he wanted, but doing everything for him. He thinks if we have a paycheck then all is well and that should be enough. I am also pregnant with our 3rd baby due in October. I know if I eventually leave he will have nothing to do with this baby, I also have a feeling he will have very little to do with our other two as well. I am willing to be a single mom to my kids, I am planning on going to college, starting with getting my CNA and eventually moving my way up from there. But the way he's handling the situation, I don't see it lasting too much longer. I don't feel love or attracted to him anymore. I don't care if he sleeps all day anymore. I don't even want to go anywhere I don't have to with him. I don't get excited if he's coming home, I dread it more or less. I stopped making plans for our future, no more buying a house, no more trip to hawaii, I don't care about that anymore. As far as my plans go with him is the birth of this baby, which at this rate we might not even be together for, which is fine sadly.

For now, I am going back to being me, not a minature version of him. I am going to try doing things that make me and my kids happy, still clean the house, do laundry, but I don't have to be perfect for him anymore. If I want to put make up on and do my hair I'm going to.