Thoughts

Ok I understand why Elizabeth was born so early, 13 weeks early to be exact but...I'm still playing the "what if game" and I know I shouldn't but I just think what it would of been like for my baby girl to have been born in around her due date, getting to see her the second she was born and not 2 hours + after wards. Not ever to have stepped foot inside of NICU, not ever of seen her on the vent, or have seen her with a feeding tube. And I wonder if Elizabeth would of been full term would she of still gotten the piece of mucus stuck in her trachea and if she did what would of happened?? I blame myself for her coming early and I know that we did everything in our power to stop her from coming and no luck. But I still wonder if I would of taken care of myself when I was pregnant, would she still have come early? I feel sad that she's had to go through all the shit she has already in her short life. This little girl has been on the vent (respirator) twice, she has had 6 full blood transfusions in a 2 time period--and I was to blame for that one because Elizabeth's blood type is B- and I'm O-. And there is this thing called the "A-B-O Factor" Which means if the mom is O blood type and baby is either A or B, then mommy creates an antigen against baby and destroys her red blood cells. But I'm sure its worn off by now, it supposed to anyway. Anyway Elizabeth has had more IVs than any little baby should of, been poked and prodded so many times. She was born at 2 lbs 7 oz and the smallest she ever got was 2 lbs 3 oz, I'm so glad that she didn't hit the 1 lb range, that was one of my fears. And if we try and have another kid in 2+ yrs, will they be preemies too? And there's a chance that it could be multiples which scares me because they run on my side of my family. I mean cause the second we have another preemie, I'm getting my tubes tied so there would be no chance of having to see NICU again. I don't know I think about crap like this a lot, I know I should just let it go but...